Lately I've been holding on to all my things. Weird statement, right? What I mean is I've just been handling everything by myself, without Jesus. This is not something I like telling people, I like it to seem like I've got it all together and I love Jesus and everything is rainbows and unicorns. Well friends, I don't have it together. What I am learning through this time is that without Jesus I've got nothing to even hold together. Without Jesus everything is broken and I know this cognitively yet my spirit is stupid and stubborn and wants to "be a big girl." But I am sooooo not a big girl. I do not know what the flip is going on or what I am doing with my life. Do ya know what I mean? Like when I have not spent quality time with Jesus, there something in my soul that feels distraught, confused, and broken. I don't know maybe I'm just too in touch with my emotions or something but that's how I've been feeling lately. And so you would think, since I know the solution to the problem that I would just do that but I'm not! Paul put it so well when he said, "15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who does it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Romans 7:15-20. Hear all that craziness? That is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I so want to just let go of all my things and collapse into Jesus, yet the sinful parts of myself are working against that. I know that this rebellious time will not last forever, my soul will grow too weary and I will run to Jesus. These times suck but I have been reminded of my need for Him. If you have been feeling similarly I encourage you to have hope, to see the light at the end of the tunnel and don't give up because Jesus never gives up on us.
Lord I thank you that you do not give up on us even in our sinfulness. I pray that we would persevere through dark times and know that You are always beside us even if it does not feel that way.
Lord I thank you that you do not give up on us even in our sinfulness. I pray that we would persevere through dark times and know that You are always beside us even if it does not feel that way.