I never realized how difficult it is to be honest. I've recently caught myself thinking "oh, I disagree with..." and then another thought invades that one saying "no, no, good, nice Niki, you agree, you always agree." Do I sound schizophrenic? I promise I'm not. What I have been doing is stifling my own true feelings about things in order to be this "good girl" I've fashioned myself into. I have been trying (in vain) to keep the peace within and with out. This has lead me to a place in which I do not even know what my true feelings are. Am I happy, angry, sad, hurt? Do I disagree? Do I agree? (maybe I am schizo...) People ask me how I am doing and my automatic response is "I'm good," but how true is that? I recently had a conversation with a good friend about this. We were both saying that when we are not honest about our true feelings both with ourselves, others, and with the Lord, it eventually (viciously) bubbles out of us. We end up taking it out on others through anger, or ourselves through depression.
Honesty is so important. But also sometimes painful. Honesty means feeling the feelings which can be really scary. It seems so much easier to avoid honesty and avoid the feelings, but we all know that's a lie. Where I am running into a BIG problem with this thinking is with the Lord. I am not being honest with Him. How dumb is that? I'm like oh if I don't tell Him, He doesn't know, hehehe. I know He knows but, I don't want to tell Him because then it would be real. My feelings, my imperfections, my pain; it would all be real. Some very silly part of me thinks that if I hold on to these things, lock them away in the attic of my brain then they aren't real and I don't need to deal with them. But, my friends, I am now seeing the affects of this. What has happened is that I have slowly been building a wall around my truth (aka my heart, my opinions, my pain, my feelings, my true self). I have started pushing the Lord away, pushing people away because if they look at me too long, they'll see, they'll know. But at the same time, there is this other part of me that wants to be known (schizo?). Psalm 139 is such a blessing to me right now. If you can relate to my struggles at all I encourage you to read it right now.
"O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away" (v. 1-2). "I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night-- but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you" (v. 11-12) This is both a blessing and extremely terrifying but mostly a blessing. No matter how many bricks I place around my heart, or how many times I say "I'm good," my deep desire to be known will always be met by the Lord. He knows me. My feelings don't scare Him like they scare me. He can handle me. AND He loves me despite it all.
Lord, thank you for loving us, for knowing us even when we don't want to be known. I pray that we would not be afraid to be honest and that you would give us courage to face our feelings.
Honesty is so important. But also sometimes painful. Honesty means feeling the feelings which can be really scary. It seems so much easier to avoid honesty and avoid the feelings, but we all know that's a lie. Where I am running into a BIG problem with this thinking is with the Lord. I am not being honest with Him. How dumb is that? I'm like oh if I don't tell Him, He doesn't know, hehehe. I know He knows but, I don't want to tell Him because then it would be real. My feelings, my imperfections, my pain; it would all be real. Some very silly part of me thinks that if I hold on to these things, lock them away in the attic of my brain then they aren't real and I don't need to deal with them. But, my friends, I am now seeing the affects of this. What has happened is that I have slowly been building a wall around my truth (aka my heart, my opinions, my pain, my feelings, my true self). I have started pushing the Lord away, pushing people away because if they look at me too long, they'll see, they'll know. But at the same time, there is this other part of me that wants to be known (schizo?). Psalm 139 is such a blessing to me right now. If you can relate to my struggles at all I encourage you to read it right now.
"O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away" (v. 1-2). "I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night-- but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you" (v. 11-12) This is both a blessing and extremely terrifying but mostly a blessing. No matter how many bricks I place around my heart, or how many times I say "I'm good," my deep desire to be known will always be met by the Lord. He knows me. My feelings don't scare Him like they scare me. He can handle me. AND He loves me despite it all.
Lord, thank you for loving us, for knowing us even when we don't want to be known. I pray that we would not be afraid to be honest and that you would give us courage to face our feelings.